my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
