The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
