1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
