Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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