im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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