You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
