First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
