My pussy is not your playground.
I checked into jail on foursquare
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
