that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
