Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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