dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
