So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
