I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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