when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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