I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
