You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Randomize
