I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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