Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
