i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize
