When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
