Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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