When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
