Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
