People in love make me want to vomit
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I did not marry a roomba.
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