I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I can feel your judgement through the phone
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
