Can i not drive my cunt home
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I woke up under a house in Key West
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
