The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
