oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
