EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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