why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
