I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
She made me pour olive oil on her.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
