Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
