Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
