he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
