I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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