Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
