pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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