my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
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