I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
