WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
