you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
