I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Randomize
