I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
