Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
