That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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