i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
