Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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