like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
