i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
