Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
