Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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