Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
