Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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